


Liar Liar

by TheOtherBookwormFanperson



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Character Death, Connor Murphy POV, Connor Murphy-centric, Connor-centric, Dead Character POV, Drugs, Guardian Angel Connor Murphy, Idk how to write drugs so I just vagued that bit whoops, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Salt And Bitterness, Self-Harm, Trans Evan Hansen, Trans Male Character, eventual gayness
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-11-06 17:30:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11040897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheOtherBookwormFanperson/pseuds/TheOtherBookwormFanperson
Summary: Connor didn't mean to die, really, but he did, so he has to deal with the consequences. Including an inexplicable draw to protect that Hansen kid with the cast and the bad lying.





	1. Waving Forever

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time I've actually written semi-seriously in months, so take it easy on me? If you find any mess-ups or if you want me to tag something, please let me know!

Honestly, Connor didn’t know why the letter affected him so much. It was only a paragraph or two long... But it was about Zoe. He knew, he knew he had to control himself, he had to not storm into her room and start shouting and demanding she tell him his relationship with the cute, short guy. But he wanted to, so badly. _Shut up, shut up, shut up_ , he told his thoughts fiercely. He didn’t want to hurt her any more than he already had. Connor dug out his stash and found his lighter. It took a couple of tries, because his hands were almost shaking already, but he managed to light it up and took a drag, trying to calm down. He had to stay calm, had to erase the anger. He saw a half-empty bottle of painkillers he’d nicked and impulsively took some. The drugs were definitely not helping. Did he really want them to help, though? He shook his head, took another drag. Time passed, and he lost track of how much he’d gone through and how many pills he’d taken. It couldn’t have been many, since it wasn’t working. He took another two. The smoke around him seemed unnatural all of a sudden. He didn’t mind, really, not even when it obscured his vision and he stumbled and fell on the ground. He didn’t even notice when the blurry grayness became black emptiness.

He heard a loud, annoying beeping noise and almost opened his eyes, but decided not to. He didn’t want to get up, or go back to school. Underneath the tone, though, he heard something that sounded like his mother crying... Warily, he let his eyes open and looked around. What the fuck? This wasn’t his room. Looked like a hospital, honestly, like the time he’d cut too deep and hadn’t managed to go all the way before his mom found him in the bathroom and called 911. The beeping finally stopped. Or did it? He looked around, realizing it had simply faded into the background noise, because it.. was just going on. And on, and on, and on... His mother really was crying, and it looked like even his dad was upset. Why? Not like anything was wrong, he was right there, didn’t they see him? He glanced around the room and finally looked down, practically leaping out of the bed when he saw it. It looked like _him_ , but it couldn’t have been, he was right there, what the fuck? A doctor came in. Called the time. His mother started sobbing, and even Dad looked upset as he put his arms around her. Zoe- where was Zoe- she was there. Leaning on the wall by the door. Her eyes were a little wide. She didn’t seem to be particularly sad, though, which was good. Too many people were crying already.

He must have dissociated or something, because the next time he felt like he existed, the room was empty of even the body that was on the bed. He sat up as if in a daze, and stumbled out of the bed. He meandered around the hospital, losing his way over and over until he found the exit. Apparently... he was dead. He hadn’t meant to be, he didn’t think. Maybe. Last night was mostly just a blur, gray smoke and white pills and black letters on paper about his sister-

His eyes flashed, remembering the letter. He had to protect Zoe. He ran out the exit, not bothering to open the door, and was only vaguely surprised when he didn’t crash into it. He kept running, so long and fast that he was practically flying over the ground. He wove between buildings and cars on streets until he came to his house, where his dad’s car was in the driveway. He slowed down and had come to a walking pace by the time he came to the door.

The next week is weirdly not weird, in a way. Of course, Mom was crying more, and Dad’s calls had more to do with funeral preparation, but a lot of their routine... hadn’t even changed. It was like he’d disappeared without anyone noticing, like that Hansen kid mused on in that _fucking letter_. Days passed, his parents went out together one afternoon, which he didn’t think much of until they came back with a new kid in tow. _Hansen_.

He fumed in the dining room, alternately pacing back and forth and leaning on the wall while glaring bitterly at the boy. Apparently his parents thought they were _friends_ \- he practically spat the word to himself. His mom asked to hear about their “friendship” and the kid’s eyes widened in shock, he kind of shrank in his seat anxiously, which made Connor want to stop him before he had a full-blown panic attack. But the next thing Connor knows, he’s launched into this story about “end of May or early June”, when apparently they’d driven out to get ice cream and then gone to the orchard and talked about the most fucking cliche things Connor’s ever heard. He couldn’t believe his parents couldn’t tell he was lying through his teeth. He would never have said something as sappy as “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be” to this awkward shrimp with his arm in a cast labeled with his name. But once he got into his lie, the hopeful look on his face was almost endearing... like he wished it was true. Connor didn’t want to admit it, but he kind of thought that “picture-perfect afternoon” did... sound nice. Evan became more reserved as he lied about the branch breaking under him. Connor looked at him strangely. He’d said he’d fallen, not that the branch broke. Of course, he could’ve meant both, but it seemed wrong somehow... But the strange happiness and nostalgia on his face when he lied about Connor finding him gets his mind off of “this kid lied to me” and onto “does this kid have no actual friends?”. Finally, Evan finishes his elaborate lie and says something about emails. A bit later, he mentions needing to go home, and Connor makes an impulsive decision to follow him. It’s not like anything at home is different from when he was- was alive, anyways. He might as well see firsthand how these lies played out.


	2. Sincerely, Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy crap, this has gotten way more popular than any of my other fics, and faster!! keep those comments coming my guys i live for this attention oml  
> on to the chapter!! enjoy!! it's only covering one song but there's a lot of dialogue and stuff?so it's long enough I guess :P sorry if it's disappointing!

"What the fuck does "nod and go along with what they say" mean to you, are you for real?!?" That Kleinman jackass said incredulously after Evan explained his email predicament. Connor raised an eyebrow with a judgemental frown from where he was standing, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. He'd thought Kleinman was supposed to be the kid's friend.

"I'm  _sorry_ Jared, his mom was really sad and- and I started talking and it turned in- into that and she looked a lot happier and it j- just came out of my mouth, I'm sorry,  _please_ help me," Evan said desperately, stopping his pacing to look at Kleinman with huge, panicked eyes. He was making Connor nervous just by watching him.

"Of course I'm gonna help you, you fuck," Kleinman groaned, gesturing. "What do you think, like, fake some emails and backdate them or something?"

"I don't know, I don't know what that means, I'm-"

"If you say sorry, I swear to God. Calm down, okay dude, I got this. I'll, like, set up a fake, secret account for Murphy, first of all. It's fine." Connor narrowed his eyes even more and glared, hoping if he thought hard enough it would transcend life and death and keep Kleinman from making it something stupid or humiliating. "How about mydearest.evan@gmail.com?"

"What? No, what the heck, Jared, it's not like that, the email address shouldn't be about me, what are you  _doing_?" Evan almost shrieked. Connor rolled his eyes, Kleinman was doing this on purpose. What the fuck did he ever do to deserve this, couldn't he just go and enjoy a void of nothingness or an actual afterlife instead of stuck here for god-knows-why?

"Alright, if you say so, acorn," Jared laughed, hitting backspace. "What about mylittle420ny@gmai-"

Connor almost stormed across the room and threw the fucking computer, but Evan interrupted. "Definitely not, Jared, are you even trying? This has to be  _perfect,_ it's gotta be believable or it'll be ruined and they'll know and they'll hate me and everyone will hate me and-" Connor could hear his racing pulse from all the way over where he was, and had an instinct to run and protect him from his overthinking.

Instead, he just crossed his arms tighter around himself and muttered, "Calm down, calm down, calm down, Evan, breathe, come on, calm down..." half to Evan who couldn't hear, and half to himself. Surprisingly, Evan's heartbeat seemed to slow down a little bit, and he and Connor both relaxed.

"Evan? You good now?" Kleinman asked. Connor'd been focused on Evan, but now he saw that Kleinman looked kind of- really worried.

"No, yeah, I'm okay, don't worry about me, sorry," Evan answered. "Um, can we just go with something simple? Like just his name or something?"

"Sounds good, man," Kleinman said with a nod, typing. "Okay, so. Emails." He pulled up a new draft and started typing furiously while reading out loud. "How's this sound? "Dear Evan, we've been-"

"I- uh, Jared, uh, the- the letter they f-found was, was addressed with my full name," Evan said nervously. "So, um, probably it should- should be the same for the emails, uh, right?"

"Good point, little dude," Kleinman said, despite the fact that he was shorter than Evan. "Alright. Dear Evan Hansen, we've been way too out of touch lately. Things have been _crazy_ , and it sucks that we don't talk that much."" Evan was nodding along slightly as he listened. ""But I should tell you that I think of you every night..." Connor shifts away from the wall, not trusting this at all, especially from Kleinman. "I rub my nipples and start moaning with deligh-" He fucking knew it. He balled his hands into fists, glaring at Kleinman who was struggling to suppress a laugh. Evan's eyes widened and he started blushing, slapping at Kleinman's hands to get him to stop typing.

"Why would you write that?!?"

"I'm just tryin' to tell the truth!" Kleinman laughed. Connor snorted at the mention of " _truth_ " as if this whole thing wasn't a fucking massive lie.

"This needs to be perfect, these emails have to prove that we were actually  _friends_!" Evan protested. "Just- I'll do it!" He pushes at Kleinman until he's fallen off, which he pretends didn't happen.

At least that idiot wasn't writing this history anymore. That was a bright side. Connor listened attentively as Evan started typing and reading out loud, slower with only one hand.

"I've gotta tell you, life without you has been hard-"

"Hard?" Kleinman snickered, causing Connor to shoot a dirty look at him and Evan to backspace immediately.

"Has been bad-"

Kleinman rolled his eyes. " _Bad_?"

"Has been rough!!" Evan snapped.

"Kinky!" Kleinman exclaimed.

Evan didn't bother to change it a third time. "And I miss talking about life and... other stuff."

"Very specific."

"Shut up!" Evan looked a little shocked at his own outburst, but keeps typing. "I like my parents-"

"Now that's a blatant fucking lie, dumbass, Fucking Larry will see through that immediately," Connor said, rolling his eyes. Unfortunately, neither of the living boys responded.

"Who says that?" Kleinman asked sarcastically instead. Evan backspaced.

"I  _love_ my parents-"

"Suure," Connor drawled, raising an eyebrow.

"-but each day's another fight. If I stop smoking drugs, then things might be okay."

Connor scoffed. "At least the fight thing is true."

" _Smoking drugs_ ," Kleinman repeated skeptically.

Evan groaned in annoyance. "Just  _fix_ it," he said, pushing the computer towards him.

"If I stop smoking crack," Kleinman said aloud in an impression of someone who had not, in fact, stopped smoking crack.

" _Crack?!?!?!?!_ " Evan sat upright, sounding horrified and disbelieving. Connor laughed.

"If I stop smoking pot, then everything might be alright," Kleinman conceded, the keyboard  _tap-tap-tapping_ faster than any Connor'd ever heard. He let Evan take the computer back over.

"I'll take your advice, I'll try and be nicer. I'll turn this around, wait and see," Evan said slowly to keep pace with the words on screen. Connor rolled his eyes, letting out a huff of sardonic laughter and shaking his head a little. "'Cause all that it takes is a little reinvention, right? It's easy to change if you concentrate on it, all you gotta do is believe you can be who you wanna be. Sincerely, me," Evan finished off, showing the screen to Kleinman.

He chuckled, but took the mouse and clicked a few things, changing the sent date to whatever date it was they wanted it. Connor rolled his eyes. "I can't believe you're making me sound like a sap in rehab or something. It's just a bit of weed every now and then-" he cut off, remembering that- oh yeah, he was  _dead_. Probably of a drug overdose. "Nevermind."

"Are we done yet?" Kleinman asked, bored.

"Well, I can't just give them one email, I wanna show that I was, like... a good friend, you know?" Evan said, shrugging apologetically.

"Oh my God!" Kleinman laughed, turning the computer back to Evan.

"Dear Connor Murphy, I also miss our talks. Stop doing drugs, maybe try to do breathing exercises and- I don't know- go on walks." He glanced at Kleinman questioningly.

"No," both Kleinman and Connor say at the same time.

Evan shrugs and turns back to the computer. "I'm sending pictures of the most amazing trees-" His eyes brightened and he smiled talking about it.

"No!" Kleinman repeats. Connor was... a little distracted staring at how cute Evan was when he was excited about trees.

"You'll be obsessed with all my forest expertise!"

"Absolutely not." Connor gave Kleinman a dirty look. Just let Evan talk about stuff he liked, it was adorable.

Not that he was gay.

"Dude, I'm proud of you, just keep pushing through! You're turning around, I can see! 'Cause, all it takes is a little reinvention, and changing is easy if you pay attention to it and what you wanna be. Sincerely, me!" Evan grinned at Kleinman.

"Sappy, but okay. Gimme a sec..." Kleinman took the computer and backdated the email, then typed something.

Evan leaned up to look. "My sister's hot... What the hell?!?" A dark blush spread across his face, and Connor almost lunged at Kleinman.

"My bad! Dear Evan Hansen, thanks for every note you send. Truly a beam of light in my dark, emo, Little Pony days. Sincerely, me."

"Delete that, delete that right the fuck now, Jesus Christ," Connor said frantically. As if reading his mind, Evan grabs the computer and backspaced, then made another draft.

"Dear Connor Murphy, I'm just glad we're friends, I've never been so close to someone. Sincerely, me."

Kleinman raised his eyebrows, pulling the computer back to himself. "But not because we're gay, though," he said as he typed, forgoing the greeting and closing.

Evan hid his face in his hands briefly. "Crap. Sorry. Yeah, it's not gay. I'm sorry." He looked away in embarrassment over stumbling over his words, in the general direction of Connor. For a second, Connor actually thought he was looking at him, but realized he wasn't a second later. He was weirdly disappointed.

"Yeah, let's say... We're close, of course, but not like that. The only man I love? My dad," Kleinman read as he typed.

Connor scoffed. "As if. I'm gay as fuck, and Fucking Larry is the worst. Literally no one will believe this, what the fuck."

"Well, anyways! You're getting better every day!  _We're_ getting better every day," Evan says, changing the subject. "After all, all it takes is a little reinvention-"

"What's with that, anyway?" Kleinman asked.

"It'll be an inside joke. Is that okay?" Evan questioned, suddenly worried.

"Yeah, sure, whatever."

"Reinvention, it's easy to change if you et cetera et cetera et cetera believe you can be who you wanna be. Sincerely-"

"Miss you dearly," Kleinman piped in.

"Sincerely, me."

Connor laughed a little. He was still wondering how this lie would come out, but he figured it was interesting enough to stick around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it!! please,,leave a comment?i will Love You Forever if you do  
> hopefully the next chapter gets done sooner!! graduation's coming up so it might take a bit but I'll do my best to have it in under a week :D

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think! I'll be writing more, hopefully, but feedback would be greatly appreciated!!


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